census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
