pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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