My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
