Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
