he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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