textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Randomize
