Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
