It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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