I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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