i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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