Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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