i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
