And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
