Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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