I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
