It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
