Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
