I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
