he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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