Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
