I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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