I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
one might say we're banned from that church
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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