She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
