It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
