what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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