What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
