I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
