Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize