I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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