the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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