I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize