it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
