Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
