and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
