Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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