If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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