last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
