Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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