omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
