if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
