I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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