fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
