All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
