you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
