Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
