I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
