I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize