She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize