So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I want her autograph on my taint
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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