she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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