My underwear smells like fireworks.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
