My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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