you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
