just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
