His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
