you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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