you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
