you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
