she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
