I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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