Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
